desertrose17

hmm...I just reread the story from which Kaleo came. I'm glad I changed him. He's far too dark in Amelia's book. I'd forgotten how much I borrowed from her concepts. I think I might spend the evening writing. I'm really feeling creative today.

so AFTER I posted my distaste with the silly bible story, I went back and read most of the Genesis stories from the website. Turns out it's all rather satirical. I feel rather silly now.

In other news, I'm tired but still awake because I have the most godawful cramps ever. They're actually making my back hurt. I didn't know they could do that. I'm currently lying on the couch with my microwaveable herbeyful pack on my tummy.

It's helping.

A little.

Unfortunately it went from scorching hot to lukewarm in about ten minutes, and I don't want to run the microwave again because I don't want to wake Matty up.

Also, I have rediscovered the awesomeness of applesauce.

One morning before breakfast, Beth came to her mother all embarrassed. "I was getting ready for church," Beth said, "and I needed help tying my shoes so I went to get Father to help me. But when I found him in the bedroom, he was naked! Am I going to get in trouble for seeing him naked?"
Beth's mother frowned down at the sausage links she was frying. "The Bible has something to say about that, Dear One," she said. And this is the story she told as she finished making breakfast:

One day, Noah was making his living breeding animals and taking care of a vineyard. He drank wine and got so drunk that he lay down in his tent without any clothes on.
Noah's son Ham walked into his father's tent and saw him naked. Then he went to tell his brothers, Shem and Japheth. Shem and Japheth got some clothing and held it between them and walked backwards into their father's tent, so that they could cover him up without looking at him.
When Noah sobered up, he remembered that Ham had seen him naked. He was so mad that he cursed Ham's son, Canaan, and made him and his descendants slaves until the end of time. He blessed Shem and Japheth for their actions, and made it clear to them that Canaan was their slave forever.

"So, Beth, the Bible says that your children will be cursed because you saw your father naked," said Beth's mother.
Beth thought about this for a moment, and although the thought of her children being her brother's slaves bothered her, she smiled and hugged her mother. The story had answered all her questions.

I have a problem with people who tell their children this.
 

            In two separate essays, social constructionist Mary McIntosh and biologicalist Richard Mohr argue their respective points. McIntosh favors the "social labeling theory," and states that by making homosexuality a label, we label them as deviants against society, and they in turn become the people they are labeled as. Mohr, on the other hand, systematically breaks down the social constructionist argument, while at the same time making an argument for their side with his gorilla example. It is quite masterful. In the case of sexual identities, I am of the biological viewpoint, or, in layman's terms, the I-was-born-this-way-and-didn't-choose-it viewpoint.

            Mohr makes the statement claiming that "In higher mammals, there is no sexual behavior without sexual learning," and uses an example with captive gorillas to support his claim. The statement and its accompanying example are something that can be used as evidence both for and against sexual identity being a purely social concept.

            Mohr states that gorillas that are raised in captivity get sexual urges, much the same as their wild cousins. However, because they have never observed sexual acts taking place, they must be shown how to act upon these urges. They are shown through the use of pornographic videos or "blue movies". This example argues that sexual identities are a social concept for the following reason. Gorillas are being shown videos of "normal" heterosexual acts and thus performing heterosexual acts with other gorillas. It could be argued that by showing videos of homosexual acts, the gorillas would then go and perform homosexual acts on other gorillas. If videos are the only way these acts are being taught, then it is plausible that this teaching of homosexuality could occur among gorillas.

            However, there is a very simple fact we are missing here. It is plausible that this teaching of homosexuality could occur among gorillas. Humans and gorillas are not the same. Lock a boy in a box for his whole life and when he hits puberty, I am confident he will find out how to satisfy himself sexually on his own, without any help from any videos of any kind. Place a willing female in there with him and I'm sure the two of them could muddle it out together. Humans are more advanced than gorillas; we have larger brains and more areas of the brain devoted to logic and figuring things out. I'm inclined to think that even the gorillas could have figured it out on their own, but far be it from me to disagree with the findings of learned men. Furthermore, even if one could influence the gorillas into committing homosexual acts, I do not believe the same thing could occur with humans. If such acts went against the biologically ingrained sense, the human would feel uncomfortable doing them, and probably refuse to do so. Even the gorillas would probably be aware enough to know that they should be with the opposite sex, not the same one. They have instincts for these sorts of things.

            I will also refute the argument that humans are animals, just like gorillas and so we aren't that different at all by agreeing and disagreeing. Yes, we are animals, no, not just like gorillas. We are more advanced. We are also more self aware, that crazy futuristic gorilla movie aside. We are more intelligent, better problem-solvers, and more evolved. We harnessed fire. We made tools. We wear clothes, solve our disputes in a court of law, and elect leaders. We are animals in the sense that we are warm-blooded, we reproduce in a similar manner, and we tend to live in groups. Biologically speaking, we are animals. Intelligently speaking, we are highly more advanced animals, therefore behavioral studies done on animals should not apply to us.

            Now that I have established that gorilla studies are not proper evidence for anything relating to humans, let us move on to the next argument. What are Mohr and McIntosh really disagreeing about? As part of her argument, McIntosh interprets the Kinsey tables. One conclusion she makes is that people are more likely to declare themselves homosexual and engage in occasional heterosexual behavior than the other way around. She argues that people find it more acceptable for the so-called deviants to engage in normal behavior, than it is for normal people to engage in "deviant" behavior. This conclusion comes from the social labeling theory which states that society labels deviants from the norm, and that by labeling people as deviant, they become deviant. Mohr, on the other hand, states that the social labeling theory, while maybe true in prisons and hospitals, was not true when applied to homosexual males. He stated that three stereotypes about gay men were proven false through many studies concerning the general gay population. They were that gay men are crazy, gay men are women trapped in men's bodies, and that gay men are child molesters. Mohr states that because most gay men don't fulfill these stereotypes, even after being labeled as gay, then social labeling must not apply. I think what Mohr and McIntosh are truly disagreeing about is the existence of a social theory at all. Mohr is a biologicalist by default. He doesn't argue for biologicalism so much as he argues against social constructionism. McIntosh's arguments are all based on the social constructionist theory, so one could say they are really disagreeing about whether social theory exists at all.

            I personally think that Mohr is correct and that sexual identity is a biological concept. I think one is born either gay or straight and neither chooses it, nor is influenced by social factors. They may hide it, and they may experiment with the other side, but that won't change their true nature. Look at the current fad of the "emo kid." Most of the high school males these days who declare themselves, or are classified as, "emo," also call themselves bi. It is my belief that they are mostly heterosexual males who, in hopes of attracting girls, fashion themselves as "gay." It has been my experience that a lot of girls love gay guys, so by declaring themselves "bi" these boys get the association of gay with the advantage of being allowed to sexually associate with girls. Very few girls ask for proof of a boy's "gayness" so the boy is never called out on his declaration. When pretending to be gay/bi no longer sufficiently attracts the female sex, the male will revert to his true heterosexual nature, and progress on to the next method of attracting a mate. I would believe that this manner of pretending is the only way in which sexual identities are socially influenced, and it is not the identities here which are changing, but rather they appear to change to suit the individual's needs.

            That being said, McIntosh's arguments make much more sense to me than Mohr's do. I find social labeling easier to understand, and it's very obvious that homosexuality is considered a deviant behavior, whether we are born with it or not. While I know society doesn't determine sexual identity, it certainly determines one's willingness to admit their sexual identity, and that is important in the argument as well.

The thing that sucks the most about reading historical fiction is that you already know what will happen with the story, and there is never any hope for a different ending than the one history tells. I've been reading Phillipa Gregory's Tudor books and I find myself wishing that Katherine could have given Henry the son he wanted, that Mary could have had the son she so desperately wanted, and that Anne Boleyn had been allowed to marry Henry Percy. But then there would have been no Elizabeth to create the Golden Age of England, and I'm sure no Shakespeare to torture us in English class. All things happen for a reason I suppose. I always root for Katherine though. I wish her story had been longer.

it makes me sad.

i wish i didn't have to worry and i wish i wasn't getting depressed and i really really wish i was home right now instead of being at the days inn in wynne arkansas. this is probably the only bad thing about being so attached to someone...whenever i'm away from him for an extended period of time i always manage to get depressed. it's sad, i know. my life should not revolve so extremely around him...but it does.

in other news, this family reunion turned out to be not that bad. mona is a spunky old lady and her and her husband are really funny. i had fun with geoff and jac, although without the influence of mai tais jac didn't say anything that we can turn into an inside joke. i did lots of walking today and got attacked by a large scary spider (pictures will eventually be added to facebook) and ate crappy food at sonic. i've got heartburn cuz of it (part of the reason i'm still awake)

i don't know what to do and i don't know what's going to happen and it's really bothering me. i wish i could just make it go away.

i'm tired and depressed and it's making me weepy so i think i'll go to bed now. i don't think i can talk coherently anymore tonight anyways.

oops...sorry =\

oddly enough...i can't even remember what i was so pissed off about last time. funny how that works.

Well, college has started. Other than signing up for Bio and an 8:30 am class (what the hell was I smoking?!) my schedule is rather good. Only two days a week, leaving five days to totally ruin my sleep schedule and not do homework.

And not find a job. I know that in a week or two I'll start freaking out again, but I can't seem to find the motivation to start looking again. It's like, everytime I apply, I mentally feel like I have the job and don't need to worry anymore. Then, I'm informed of my absolute failure in qualifications, and the cycle starts all over again.

But let's not think about that now. It's unpleasant.

Despite being at 8:30 and involving far too much class/homework, my GIS class is surprisingly enjoyable because it's so easy. Granted, it's only the second week of class, but I understand more now than I did after the whole semester with Chow. I really like Professor Kaufman. And I really want to take the class where we get to go down to Indiana to look at the caves.

I was sitting in class yesterday, the geology of michigan, and I was thinking about how utterly boring it was, and yet how freaking awesome it all is. Did you know that michigan and portions of ohio/indiana/maybe ny are situated in a giant basin which goes down about 14 km at the deepest point? And that the western UP has exposed rock surfaces that are 2.9 billion years old? That's not a typo....I really do mean 2.9 BILLION. That's about half the age of the planet. There are fossils of the organisms that were responsible for creating oxygen and putting into the air. It's really cool shit.

(Assuming that you don't buy into that creation crap. The earth is not 6,000 years old. Sorry if I offend any of you...although I think the majority of you are like-minded...not sure who I'm actually apologizing to. You know it actually made me laugh...a friend of mine went with her family/youth group to see that creation museum in Kentucky. I really want to go, just to see this thing. I'm not sure if I would laugh or rage. Probably both. Anyways...I got way off topic)

That's the exciting part. The real life stuff. Then there's the boring as fuck shit. Like memorizing the ages of our planet. You know, pre-cambrian, mesozoic, cenozoic, blah blah blah. I don't care about that. I couldn't even memorize different rock types. I can tell you what's granite and what's limestone. That's about it. It would be so cool to be like those guys you see that can just pick up a rock and spout off what it is and how old it is....but I just don't think I'll ever be able to remember all that. Hell...I can't remember stuff that happened last week. Random trivia I can handle. Bolivia is the only land-locked country in South America. Mrs. Schultz told us that in 4th grade, and for some reason it got stuck in my brain. I remember the randomest shit, but not "important" stuff. (Important in quotations because sometimes other people's idea of important stuff that I should remember is vastly different from my idea of important stuff I should remember. And I swear to god my sister makes up conversations she's had with me sometimes. She quotes me back to me and I have no recollection of even talking about this topic with her much less saying these ridiculous things.She's trying to fuck with me...I know it.)

Basically, all of this is making me wonder if I'm ever going to find something that I really want to do in life. I always think I want to do something, then there's some part of it that I absolutely cannot stand. And then I change my mind. Like music. I can't stand practicing, so I can't be a musician. I hate the GIS stuff (last semester) maybe I need to transfer. How can I be a geologist if the essential knowledge of the field is so damn boring? Maybe I'm being unrealistic. It's probably closer to reality to say that I'll finish my studies and take a job in the field and kinda like it...but mostly hate it and resent it. But it keeps the money coming in, so I won't complain. I'll just  keep pluggin on, and eventually retire and wonder what happened with my life.

My this has become depressing. For someone who hates thinking about the future, I certainly spend an awful lot of time dwelling on it.

Oh well...I suppose it's time for bed now.

This week is so ungodly busy. Pack today, tomorrow and Wednesday. Job interview on Thursday ( I am soooooo nervous about that one) and then I'm staying the night at Laura's so i can get up early and help her move into her apartment on Friday. Come back to Lapeer, and finish packing, then move in to our new apartment bright and early Saturday morning.

I am soooo excited about moving but I have so much left to pack. I haven't even made a dent. And it sucks because I have two houses to pack up. I'm gonna be running back and forth all week. Laura said she'd help me pack up on Tuesday. And she's gonna help us move in on Friday.

I have to keep checking the weather all week because if it rains we have to get a Uhaul and if not we're just using any trucks/cars we can find.

(pause to check the weather, then decide to set up my iGoogle page and play one of the little widget games for 20 minutes)

Showers on Saturday. I'll keep checking though. Maybe the weather will change its mind and be all sunny this weekend.

Mom took me shopping and bought me an outfit for the interview. Dress clothes are expensive, but it's really nice to finally have some real ones that actually fit nice. I love the pants....they're soooo comfy.

I suppose I should get back to packing now.

His mother just now came to the realization that we're moving, and is now trying to give us all her dishes/pans. She'll walk in here every few minutes..."do you want (blank)?" Part of me wants to say no, I want to pick out my own stuff. But I know it's more responsible to take what I can get and save money for other things.

I applied for the baker job yesterday. The one i really don't want because of the horrible schedule it would put me through. (My mom's on the inside and she thinks I'd be working 2-9 mon-thur and saturday or sunday.) Which means that I would have to reschedule my classes (currently they are 8-6 on tuesdays and thursdays), to be in the mornings monday through thursday. In summation, I would be in flint from 8am until 9pm monday through thursday. If you add in commute time and waking up and all that, lets say 6:30-10:30(allowing for time to eat when I get home.) Assuming I work a weekend day, that leaves 2 days a week to get done what needs doing. I wouldn't be able to cook dinner for matt, I wouldn't even see him very much.

I'm beginning to see I didn't really think this through before I decided the baker job was a good idea. And of course, all this is assuming I even get hired. (pause to go back and capitalize everything)

She asks me if I want stuff that I didn't even think of. A potato masher, a muffin pan, a cooling rack. Well I guess muffin pan and cooling rack kinda go with each other. Getting stuff together for the apartment makes me happy....I get all excited about moving. And then I get reminded that finances will be tight, we don't even know which apartment we're moving into, and I still don't have a job yet. Then I'm sad.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again....growing up sucks. Now it's time for laundry.

I've been reading a ton lately. Mostly because I like it, but also because it helps me escape real life. The trouble is, I'm burning through all my books trying to escape what's really going on around me and I'm almost out of reading material.

On the flip side, Sherri's new book is coming out on the 4th. I can't wait to read it. She said it's almost as big as Acheron. That'll keep me busy for almost a day.

I miss playing WoW. Like crazy bad.

i've been talking to someone today who seems to be a cross between joe and matt. he's a nice guy even if he doesn't think so. some guildies and i are breaking off to make our own guild. Bunniez who say NI. cutest name evar =]

in other news....i've come to a conclusion that i think everyone reached before me. kinda saddening to finally realize it, but what can you do.

my world is crashing down around me and yet i am somehow cautiously optimistic
go figure

well that didn't seem as stupid as i thought when i went back and read it again.
it seemed shorter than i remember though >.<

it's so sad that even now, on livejournal, i still don't feel comfortable talking about everything
there are so many things i want to say but i don't know how people will react
i want to offer help, but i don't want to seem nosy and/or overbearing
and i'm almost certain she'll never ask for it, so nothing will happen unless i do something
matt would say just do it anyway...that's what friends are for

i suppose i'll never get over this
always being so concerned about what people will think

I've got that new shinedown song stuck in my head
it really speaks to me....i'm not sure why
maybe it's just what i feel like right now

fuck you bright screen...my head hurts more now

he's right....i let it build up and then randomly decide to let it out one night (it's never during the day...)
i don't knnow why i can't just talk about stuff. i didn't even used to be like this. i talked about everything when i was younger, and maybe that's just a little kid thing. but one day i decided it was cooler to keep all your emotions hidden and not trust anyone or talk about anything personal.
and now i can't turn it off.
maybe it's a part of growing up, or it's genetic. i mean look at my mother.

"what's wrong?"

"I'M FINE!!!!!!!!" GROWLSNARLRAWR

god knows that's happened often enough to my father. and i love my daddy but i don't want matt to end up like him, always having to keep the peace and solve every problem and deal with a woman whose inability to express her emotions has passed on to her daughters along with having to deal with said daughters and the fights the three of them have. he is truly a saint for what he does.
i don't want to turn into my mother, but i feel like i am and i don't know how to turn it off. i don't want to be fat like her. i don't want to spend my whole life sleeping like her. i don't want to be pissed when i come home and expect everyone in the world to act like their day was just as shitty as the one i had.

there is an old saying that my dad has said for as long as i can remember...'when momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy'

i don't want that to apply in my life. i want to be able to turn it off and not let stuff bother me.
i want to stop overreacting to everything. i want to say i'm not going to cry and actually have my body listen to me.

i want all of my insecurities to go away.
all of this happened tonight because i feel like because it's not official, it might not happen.
i'm ready and want to and he doesn't and that makes me freak out.
i know it's not because he doesn't want to, but because he doesn't think we need to. it doesn't change anything.
and it really doesn't.
putting a label on it doesn't change how we feel. it just makes it more permanent. more sure.
i shouldn't need a label to be sure. and it makes me feel worse, because i feel like i'm doubting his love when i think these things.

and i just cannot stop effing crying. i'm kinda getting pissed, but mostly i feel like shit.

everything i wrote in that relationship paper was complete hypocrisy....my relationship sure as hell isn't like that. i fuck so many things up it is unbelievable.

although i probably only think that because i'm having a huge pity me moment and will look back on this later and think about what a total fucking retard i am.

i wish i could turn it off.

maybe i can sleep now....i didn't really say everything that was on my mind, but i'm starting to get the post-emotional crash and burn

and i think i said what was important. i know i said more than i have in a long time. and i'm about to start repeating myself and misspelling things so it's probably time for bed.

so i got an 89 on my test in rock n roll (somehow) and now he(my professor) is adding 6 points to everyone's test because people were bitching about some of the questions.
LOL i like being smart =]
oh and frever cancelled english, so i now i have a really long lunch and a strong inclination to skip history

and go home a play outside.
i've sworn off mcdonalds and snacking and we've been "exercising" all weekend so maybe i'll finally lose some weight.
then i'll have to buy more new clothes. XD

i don't know how long this'll last...this dieting and exercising thing. it's all well and good on the weekends, but it's hard to do on schoolnights, especially when it's not quite done being cold. (trust me it'll be 40 next week)
i think snacking will be got rid of easily enough....i ate breakfast this morning and haven't felt like snacking yet today.

idk...i guess i just feel like i'm going to be good about this for like a few weeks and then fall off the wagon cuz i'll get frusturated at not losing enough weight.

i need instant gratification.


in other news, mel's party was great, as was dinner afterwards. i had a retarded moment, and we had a discussion about it. i'm still not sure if he was right and he has more anger problems or if i do....

i hope we can go out again tonight =]

how am i the fucking bad person when he's the one who's fucking ignoring my fucking simple requests?
fuck you

so i think this semester is going pretty well.....i'm still a huge procrastinator, but i kinda feel a change coming....
like i've almost got it but not quite.
i really love my history class, and geography is pretty cool too....although the lab is not as cool
dr frever and the english class are becoming less annoying
and rock and roll...well definitely not what i expected. professor joe is cool though, so i guess it's not all bad

i'm still a little worried about my paper....i wish i could let go of my perfectionism and just write the damn thing without worrying about how it sounds. i really wish i knew what the fuck to write.

i wish i was more creative

i am so sick of black girls and their little bitchfits and their voices and bad grammer and speech in general

and i'm sick =[

oh well...at least history is awesome and i'm going to frankenmuth this weekend